not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
