I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
