just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
