I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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