Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
