Who wears a wallet chain?!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
