I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
