I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
