Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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