I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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