you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
