I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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