My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
