Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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