I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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