we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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