I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
