when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
