Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
