Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
