I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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