my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
