I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
