her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
