There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
