shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
