HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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