So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
