I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
