He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
