I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
