Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
