I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
