new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
