there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
