new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
