she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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