Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
