So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
