Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
