Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
