The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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