My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
