It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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