so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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