I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It was like getting head from an anaconda
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
