He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
