Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
