we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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