Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
