So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
