I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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